I'M HAVING A MOMENT

This may be slightly ranty. I'm sorry.

I'm just very EMOTIONAL right now.

Why?

I'm watching Brokeback Mountain. 

It's 1:13 in the morning and I'm watching Brokeback Mountain. 

Being tired makes me emotionally vulnerable. I know this. It is a fact of my life. But tonight I decided, against my better judgement, to watch THIS MOVIE, of all the movies out there. 

And now I'm constantly pausing, shutting my computer, and flailing my arms around in the dark while whisper-shouting "Oh my god! Oh my god! This is so amazingly tragic and beautiful!"

Yes. I whisper-shout-called Brokeback Mountain tragic and beautiful.

If you disagree with that analysis, fuck you, I don't care. I'm allowed to freak out and  make metaphors out of everything I see. And I'm allowed to christen anything as adorable. Even gay mountain sex.

I love this movie. Don't judge me.

Also,  I am going to be constantly coming back and venting my feelings.

1:30

FUCK YOU ALMA

Who cares about your lonely soul?

Also, Jack would rather be with Ennis than Anne Hathaway

This is saying something

I'm having intensely conflicted emotions

JACK IS COMPLICATING EVERYTHING

AND ENNIS NEEDS TO STOP BEING TRAUMATIZED BY HIS PAST

Actually it's adorable, he just needs to stop being traumatized over someone killing an old gay man in his town when he was nine so that he and Jack can buy a farm and live happily ever after.

1:32

OH MY GOD ADORABLE FACE TOUCHY THING OH MY GOD MY BABIES I WANT TO HUG YOU BOTH

1:35

I HAD TO REWIND AND WATCH THE FACE TOUCHY THING AGAIN

1:40

In which Alma is a bitch and Ennis is bad with kids

1:47

Hey! Alma was Glinda in Oz the Great and Powerful

And according to IMDB, she was blonde sheep-girl from Dawson's Creek

Small world

1:48

Wait...

One minute Alma and Ennis are having sex and the next they're in a court room and she's getting full custody? Did I miss something?

ENNIS MY BABY

ALMA YOU BITCH I WILL RAPE YOU WITH FIRE

I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT WOULD WORK BUT YOU'RE MAKING ENNIS CRY AND THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.

1:53

Can you say bad timing?

I feel sad and scared and hopeful and SAD and melancholy (fun word) and CONFLICTED

2:48

NO NO NOOOO WHAT SUPREME MIND FUCKERY IS THIS I'M DYING

I CAN'T LIVE IN A WORLD THAT ALLOWS THIS TO HAPPEN

tears

they are flowing

i can't even bring myself to capitalize or punctuate

that's how distressed i am

i am going to die

i actually think i'm going to die

there are just too

many

feelings

AAAHHH LET ME LOVE YOOOOOUUUUU

UPDATE: hehe I saw Anne Hathaway's boobies

SURPRISE!!!

It's Andrew Rannells!!

The Vast Planes of Nothingness

Hello. I have no life. Did you know that?

I found out today.

Want to know how I knew?

Do you want to know the moment that sent my mind spinning into the perpetually moving hamster ball of despair?

I watched Dawson's Creek.

Dawson's.

Fucking.

Creek.

I am so sad.

In case you are unfamiliar with this superb FUCK YOU to television, I'll give you a brief rundown.

I only saw the first fifteen minutes of the first episode, but they are scorched into my memory like a crop circle before an alien invasion.

It starts with Dawson, a sandy haired boy who strongly resembles a labrador. His lanky I-just-started-going-to-the-gym-and-have-not-yet-grown-full-muscles body is lying on a bed, with his feet on the pillow (what a hipster), watching television. Beside him lies Katie Holmes, pre dead-eyes.

They're watching a Spielberg movie, because Dawson has a total boner for Spielberg.

Their discussion involves the Oscars and a lot of hate towards Ghandi, and then Katie Holmes, whose name is Joey, decides to make things SUPER awkward. They have a whole conversation about how they're going to be starting high school and even though they've been best friends since first grade (because that happens), Katie Holmes thinks that her sleeping at Dawson's house, which she does like every night, is not socially acceptable.

He quickly calms her down and they go (HOLY SHIT I JUST HEARD A GUNSHOT OUTSIDE) to sleep. Cute.

The next day, three boys sail in little sailboats on a little creek. Katie Holmes sits in a chair on a dock, before a kid in a satan mask pulls her into the lake. Dawson gets mad at him for not doing something right. It is revealed that they are making a movie for a convention. How original.

Then, as they all grumble, a taxi pulls up to the house they are inexplicably using the dock of, and out steps a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, floral-dressed sheep of eighties (ANOTHER GUNSHOT). The boys saunter up from (her) dock to see her, and they introduce themselves. It becomes clear that sea-monster kid is a huge player, despite being as physically attractive as a potato bug. That's actually a really good comparison.

Katie Holmes is jealous of her competition.

Also, at one point, she says "I live down the creek."

You cant use roads, like normal people?

No?

That's too hard for you?

Well fuck you all.

Anyway, After that, the next day, Dawson and Blonde Sheep (I don't remember her name) (ANOTHER ONE TWO!! ANOTHER TWO GUNSHOTS!!)(Also, the song "If these walls could speak is playing and oh my god Norbert Leo Butz I want to give you a hug) are in Dawson's room and he's describing how he wants to nail Spielberg.

Which isn't weird at all.

Then Katie Holmes is quietly jealous.

Then Dawson and Potato Bug (Don't remember his name either. But I think the actor was named Joshua?)(OH MY GOD NORBERT LEO BUTZ I LOVE YOU) work at a video store, and this complete cougar walks in. Potato Bug is literally drooling, while she asks him for The Graduate, a movie with almost enough sexual tension to rival this scene. Then Dawson teases him for his zomg-ness.

This is around when I had to stop watching. I skipped ahead a little (her name might have been Mel?) to see if it got less boring, but no. It didn't.

Also, the whole show was tinted sepia.

It was like a bad instagram filter.

Here is Dawson:

Here is Potato Bug Kid:

Messed up, right? He isn't allowed to be a player. Anyway, I decided to not continue with the massive mind-fuckery going on there, so instead I binge-ate cupcakes and played tetris for like three hours.

Did I mention I have no life?

I play, on average, two hours of tetris a day.

I have left the house four times this week.

I watched every episode of The New Normal in two days.

Okay, that one I don't mind, because The New Normal is fantastic.

Also, I have memorized about six different musicals.

I listen to them when I play tetris.

I'm going to die alone.