Google Translate is Fun

     In Spanish class, our teacher taught us an amusing little song. It goes like this:

En la ca-lle-le veinticuatro-tro 
Ha habido-do asesinato-to.
Una vieja-ja mato un gato-to 
Con la punta-ta de un zapato-to.
Pobre vieja-ja, pobre gato-to, 
Pobre punta-ta del zapato-to. 

At first, we enjoyed innocently singing this horribly gay-sounding tune. Then, after a while, one of the smarter children in our class inquired to what this actually meant. As none of us have actually learned anything, having instead opted to learn through singing horribly gay-sounding tunes, no one could answer this question.

So, being small minded people with short attention spans, we abandoned that track entirely.

But then I got curious. I know almost no Spanish and did not intend to learn it, so I decided to use the international form of communicating with those fluent in another language: Google Translate. My curiosity was enhanced when the resulting words were very hard to understand. But I got the jist of it. Have you ever heard the expression: curiosity killed the cat? Guess what the song was about?

If you guessed "an old lady in the street kills a cat with the tip of her shoe," then you would be correct. There was also something to do with the number twenty four. Maybe she was on twenty-fourth street. Or has killed twenty four cats.

Here is the actual translation:

Street has been twenty four murder one travels kill a cat with the tip of a shoe poor poor poor old toe-cat

It leaves a lot to be explained.

Anyway, as you can see, there is nothing about an old woman, but I know it involved one because that was the only elaboration my Spanish teacher would make when I showed her this disturbing translation of her little song.


UPDATE: It is definitely 24th street

Dear Sarah and Scott...

Thank you for being the only ones that read this blog

Emails

From:
To:
Subject: Anyone want a slice of rainbow cake???

It's hard to see, but the frosting on top is light blue

From: PRIVACY

To: PRIVACY

Subject: Re: Anyone want a slice of rainbow cake???

No thank you. I'm not sure that's edible.

From: MORE PRIVACY

To: MORE PRIVACY

Subject: Re: Re: Anyone want a slice of rainbow cake???

Live a little!

From: PRIIVAAACCCYYY

To: PRIIVAAACCCYYY 

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Anyone want a slice of rainbow cake?

Wow. I wasn't aware that you were fluent in old person. Me too. "live

a little." what an inspiring quote. I will keep it in mind the next
time I am second guessing my decision to purchase glass tea lights or
up my bid on Ebay by ten cents instead of five. How crazy would that
be? It makes me all giddy just thinking about it. Well, bye. I have to
go check on the cabbage casserole and then maybe sit outside on a deck
chair, scratching my wrist and yelling at cars that go to fast for me.
It's a street, people, not a racetrack. Glad you understand. Sign me
up for bingo night.

Glitch. True Story.

Im super bored so I turned on the tv and it was some chick-flicky

show. My tv was glitching or broken on something, so it was stuck on a

clip that kept on repeating. If it was hilariously funny or profound

and deep, I may have tolerated it as a background for my gaming, but

unfortunately, it was neither

The clip featured two girls standing in a line, one blonde and one

brunette. This is the intense dialogue for this fantastically written

scene:

"cute boots! New?"

"ish"

"oh"

Bzzzzz

"cute boots! New?

"ish"

"oh"

Bzzzzz

"cute boots! New?"

"ish"

"oh"

Bzzzzz

Because of these sentences, the longest of which is "cute boots!", I

have been granted an inside look into what Hell was like. I did not

enjoy it. Neither did the shoes that were thrown in an attempt to

silence it by force. Or the pillows. Or books. Or tv screen.

Eventually I had to break the monotony, and thus attempted to turn it

off. The remotes "off" button did not seem to be working, as it does

half the time. I walked over to the tv and hit the off button. The tv

did not turn off.

I decided to let it play on mute, but as the remote is a jackass today

and the tv itself has no mute button, this plan was not carried out.

I spent about ten minutes on the couch mouthing the words the people

were saying and memorizing their every move. After a while I decided

that I was going crazy and if I did not shut the tv up RIGHT THIS

FUCKING SECOND I WAS GOING TO BE STUCK LISTENING TO THE SOUND OF TWO

BITCHES "TALKING" ABOUT BOOTS IN MY HEAD FOR THE REST OF MY FUCKING

LIFE!!!!

I pulled the tv plug out of the wall.

The outlet burst into flames.

I ran to get the fire extinguisher and found a post it that said "note

to self-buy fire extinguisher." it had a date on it. I assume it was

dated so we could remember the times of our fire fighting heroics. It

was dated yesterday. The only person home yesterday was our Brazilian

housekeeper, Esmerelda. This explained why all the words were

misspelled. It did not explain what the fuck had happened to our fire

extinguisher.

I ran to get a bucket to fill with water, but when I tried to turn the

water on, remembered my father telling me in the wee hours of the

morning "the plumber is here to fix the pipes. The water won't work

all day. If theres a fire, use the extinguisher." He actually said

that. As a joke, but still. Unfortunately, there was no extinguisher.

Thanks a lot, Esmerelda.

I ran to the fridge, figuring I could use milk or something. In said

fridge, I spotted a bottle of water. It was in a fancy bottle, but I

had no time to mull over this. I ran to the outlet and poured the

"water" over it.

It exploded.

I noticed a sticker on the bottle reading "Russian Vodka"

At that point, of course, the power went out. Because I don't have

enough fucking problems.

Luckily, the generator kicked in, turning on the lights, and the tv.

And so the horrible sound loop came back

A Letter to Fish

Dear Fish,
   
     What the fuck are you? I'm sorry if I'm being rude, but you have some serious issues that need to be pointed out to you before you can continue flaunting your stupidity throughout the ocean.
   
     First of all- do you even have bodies? Or heads? Or are you just one of the two? You look like little torpedoes with eyes. You are, quite simply, conclusive proof that even God comes to work wasted.
   
    Second of all- You are unbelievably stupid. From what I can tell, you have two basic functions-swimming and dying. Neither is very productive or helps improve the world in any way. News flash: not all shiny things need to be bitten. If you go around biting all the shiny things you see, you will end up flopping in a pool of fish slime with a hook through your jaw. But seeing that dying is one of your primary interests, this should be no problem.

     Lastly- you are quite possibly the least advanced animal in the history of the world. Even the amoeba(are amoebas animals?) makes more sense than you. You are like bugs in the water. You are eaten by people and your many tiny bones get stuck in their throats and make them choke. Is that what you want, Fish? To be murderers?

   That is all

UPDATE: I'm rereading my blog and wow-I sound retarded. Also, this was actually the only reason I started a blog. I was going to rant about fish and leave and someday someone would find it and be like "dafuck is this?"