The Worst Decision

Today, I made the worst decision of my life. I blame it mostly on my sickness, and an extreme sugar rush. I'll give you a hint about the story-it involves a rubber chicken, Jesus, and a headless goat. So pay attention.

I was at dinner, and upon the table was a bottle of Sriracha, an extremely hot sauce. I decided it would be a good idea to put a large glob on my finger and eat it. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I prepared a glass of milk.

The following experience was one of the most painful things I have experienced. My throat felt as though it was filled with a swarm of angry meerkats, and my head was buzzing strangely. I could feel my face glowing, and the tears welling up in my eyes.

Logically, I filled a spoon with more hot sauce, and stuck it in my mouth.

What. The. Fuck. Was. I. Thinking.

In case you were wondering, hot sauce does not burn less in larger quantities.

My face turned the color of lava. Tears dripped from my eyes onto the table. The muscles in my esophagus shut down, and my throat closed.

I decided a good solution wood be to run around the kitchen wildly, screaming the song "empty chairs at empty tables" from Les Miserables as loud as possible.

I fell down.

It hurt.

When my head hit the ground, the weirdest thing happened. First I fainted. Not surprising. Then I entered a dreamlike state, in which I watched a rubber chicken with Jesus' head cut the head off of a goat. Jesus Chicken winked at me, and then said "I didn't really wink at you, I just have a twitch in my left eye."

Then I woke up and discovered my left eye had developed a twitch and my right eye didn't work anymore.

It was at this point that I really needed a hug.

How to be Awkward

I have recently been faced with various awkward situations, and am now compelled to write this list:

1. Don't repeat a sarcastic or funny comment because you think no one heard it. They heard it. It just wasn't funny.

2. When someone says "do you know the song ....." don't start singing the song

3. Don't sing along to a song that you're listening to with headphones

4. Dont say "oo-oo" when you see two people who are of the opposite gender talking (this especially goes for nick)

5. Don't, at all costs, say "so..." during an awkward silence. Or "awkward silence."

6. You know what? Don't say anything during an awkward silence

7. When you ask someone "have you read this book" or "have you seen this movie," and they say "no," do not go into a detailed description of the plot, characters, and your favorite quotes

8. Don't make jokes that you know no one will understand just to look smart

Towards the end, that turned into just stuff I hate. But that list comes later.

Also, this will most likely be updated several times.

UPDATE: hey, look, I'm already updating:

Don't try to understand an inside joke, or be part of it.

I can't believe I forgot to write this, it was the entire purpose of this list to teach Scott to not ask questions about Kiki and Damien. But then I got sidetracked....and whatnot....awkward.


UPDATE:  the ending of the last update.

This is what happens when you talk to me about Pilates.

So. Today, people I know were emailing me about creeks and such, and despite my attempts to make the topic more interesting by talking about deer licking houses, the conversation drifted to horrifying topics, like yoga and Pilates. Then someone said to someone else "love you too, bud." after they bonded through the revelation that both did Pilates. Or something. But, I was bored, and having just eaten a pound bag of candy, I responded with this:

Well I hate you

No I don't

(yes I do)

Shut up, no I don't

I didn't say anything 

You think just because you're in parentheses you cant be seen?

No (yes)

I see what you did there

No you don't, it was in parentheses

Shut up. You're not even real.

There's no need to be hurtful

I can be hurtful to you, you're just a figment of my imagination

(bitch)

I can see that

(no you can't)

Yes I can

We're going back to a topic we already covered

Yes, we are. So?

So it's stupid and will just end in more hurtful words

Not if you restrain your mean side

You ARE my mean side

What are you implying?

You are a part of me

Seriously? How could you keep that from me?

I tried to tell you, but you said I was being hurtful

Wait, so that means you're just talking to yourself right now

Now I'm confused. If I'm talking to myself, how am I unconsciously responding?

Have you ever heard of multiple personality disorder?

Yes. But I don't have it. Maybe YOU have it.

That doesn't make any sense

None of this makes sense

Yes. You're right. You're just retarded

(bitch)

-