The Worst Decision

Today, I made the worst decision of my life. I blame it mostly on my sickness, and an extreme sugar rush. I'll give you a hint about the story-it involves a rubber chicken, Jesus, and a headless goat. So pay attention.

I was at dinner, and upon the table was a bottle of Sriracha, an extremely hot sauce. I decided it would be a good idea to put a large glob on my finger and eat it. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I prepared a glass of milk.

The following experience was one of the most painful things I have experienced. My throat felt as though it was filled with a swarm of angry meerkats, and my head was buzzing strangely. I could feel my face glowing, and the tears welling up in my eyes.

Logically, I filled a spoon with more hot sauce, and stuck it in my mouth.

What. The. Fuck. Was. I. Thinking.

In case you were wondering, hot sauce does not burn less in larger quantities.

My face turned the color of lava. Tears dripped from my eyes onto the table. The muscles in my esophagus shut down, and my throat closed.

I decided a good solution wood be to run around the kitchen wildly, screaming the song "empty chairs at empty tables" from Les Miserables as loud as possible.

I fell down.

It hurt.

When my head hit the ground, the weirdest thing happened. First I fainted. Not surprising. Then I entered a dreamlike state, in which I watched a rubber chicken with Jesus' head cut the head off of a goat. Jesus Chicken winked at me, and then said "I didn't really wink at you, I just have a twitch in my left eye."

Then I woke up and discovered my left eye had developed a twitch and my right eye didn't work anymore.

It was at this point that I really needed a hug.