Why we study Chinese history

The other day, I was looking through my notes app. A mind the lists of food that shouldn't exist, the fighting foodons theme song, and pages of various Emojicons, I discovered an essay I did in history class about why we study Chinese history. Please keep in mind, this was past me. Not present me. Also, I used the word hyperness. Lord help us.


     We study Chinese history because someday, the Chinese will be our overlords. Oops. Did I say overlords? I meant protecters. I know this because everything, and I mean everything, says "made in China" on it. Oh, nice going, USA. Buying products from the Chinese will only encourage that they are good builders, and then they will realize that they can use their factories to make nukes. They will hide said nukes in a secret nuclear bunker, which will most likely be labeled "taxidermy and cheese" to deflect suspicion. Because, in a show of hands, how many of you would go into a building labeled "taxidermy and cheese"? Not many, right? When they have enough, they will paint their faces, put on their pointy hats, and charge. Most likely they will have been prepared to fight long, hard wars with a fit, strong, and democratic country, in which they could make several fight scenes for a documentary about how they conquered America that take place on lakes of lava with lightning in the background. Instead, they will get a short war and several surrenders. What up, America?! After they have successfully conquered us, we will be sent to underground moisture farms where we will live off self-grown mushrooms, being presided over by their army of robots. The people who managed to escape will be living in caves and preparing an army of weasels. Weasels, being the only animal flexible, furry, and sharp enough makes them the obvious choice. When ready, the weasels will be unleashed in a furry storm of rabidity. For those who don't know: rabidity means high-energy and hyperness. The weasels are not literally rabid. It will be a long hard battle, in which several valiant weasels die to the robots, but the bands of freedom weasels, nicknamed the freesels, will chew through the cages that contain humans in the moisture farms. They will then gnaw through the control booth wires that control the robots, effectively wiping the out. The Chinese will be infuriated. The remaining humans and weasels will fight them. It will be a long and hard battle, but we will pull through. When the Chinese have been sent back to China, we will once again control them. And then one weasel, Jacob, will rise up, kill everyone, and rule the world.



UPDATE: To be clear, I have nothing against the Chinese. You guys are cool. This was my young,      strange, and slightly racist self.