The other day, I was looking through my notes app. A mind the lists of food that shouldn't exist, the fighting foodons theme song, and pages of various Emojicons, I discovered an essay I did in history class about why we study Chinese history. Please keep in mind, this was past me. Not present me. Also, I used the word hyperness. Lord help us.
We study Chinese history because someday, the Chinese will be our overlords. Oops. Did I say overlords? I meant protecters. I know this because everything, and I mean everything, says "made in China" on it. Oh, nice going, USA. Buying products from the Chinese will only encourage that they are good builders, and then they will realize that they can use their factories to make nukes. They will hide said nukes in a secret nuclear bunker, which will most likely be labeled "taxidermy and cheese" to deflect suspicion. Because, in a show of hands, how many of you would go into a building labeled "taxidermy and cheese"? Not many, right? When they have enough, they will paint their faces, put on their pointy hats, and charge. Most likely they will have been prepared to fight long, hard wars with a fit, strong, and democratic country, in which they could make several fight scenes for a documentary about how they conquered America that take place on lakes of lava with lightning in the background. Instead, they will get a short war and several surrenders. What up, America?! After they have successfully conquered us, we will be sent to underground moisture farms where we will live off self-grown mushrooms, being presided over by their army of robots. The people who managed to escape will be living in caves and preparing an army of weasels. Weasels, being the only animal flexible, furry, and sharp enough makes them the obvious choice. When ready, the weasels will be unleashed in a furry storm of rabidity. For those who don't know: rabidity means high-energy and hyperness. The weasels are not literally rabid. It will be a long hard battle, in which several valiant weasels die to the robots, but the bands of freedom weasels, nicknamed the freesels, will chew through the cages that contain humans in the moisture farms. They will then gnaw through the control booth wires that control the robots, effectively wiping the out. The Chinese will be infuriated. The remaining humans and weasels will fight them. It will be a long and hard battle, but we will pull through. When the Chinese have been sent back to China, we will once again control them. And then one weasel, Jacob, will rise up, kill everyone, and rule the world.
UPDATE: To be clear, I have nothing against the Chinese. You guys are cool. This was my young, strange, and slightly racist self.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Friday, December 7, 2012
The Worst Decision
Today, I made the worst decision of my life. I blame it mostly on my sickness, and an extreme sugar rush. I'll give you a hint about the story-it involves a rubber chicken, Jesus, and a headless goat. So pay attention.
I was at dinner, and upon the table was a bottle of Sriracha, an extremely hot sauce. I decided it would be a good idea to put a large glob on my finger and eat it. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I prepared a glass of milk.
The following experience was one of the most painful things I have experienced. My throat felt as though it was filled with a swarm of angry meerkats, and my head was buzzing strangely. I could feel my face glowing, and the tears welling up in my eyes.
Logically, I filled a spoon with more hot sauce, and stuck it in my mouth.
What. The. Fuck. Was. I. Thinking.
In case you were wondering, hot sauce does not burn less in larger quantities.
My face turned the color of lava. Tears dripped from my eyes onto the table. The muscles in my esophagus shut down, and my throat closed.
I decided a good solution wood be to run around the kitchen wildly, screaming the song "empty chairs at empty tables" from Les Miserables as loud as possible.
I fell down.
It hurt.
When my head hit the ground, the weirdest thing happened. First I fainted. Not surprising. Then I entered a dreamlike state, in which I watched a rubber chicken with Jesus' head cut the head off of a goat. Jesus Chicken winked at me, and then said "I didn't really wink at you, I just have a twitch in my left eye."
Then I woke up and discovered my left eye had developed a twitch and my right eye didn't work anymore.
It was at this point that I really needed a hug.
I was at dinner, and upon the table was a bottle of Sriracha, an extremely hot sauce. I decided it would be a good idea to put a large glob on my finger and eat it. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I prepared a glass of milk.
The following experience was one of the most painful things I have experienced. My throat felt as though it was filled with a swarm of angry meerkats, and my head was buzzing strangely. I could feel my face glowing, and the tears welling up in my eyes.
Logically, I filled a spoon with more hot sauce, and stuck it in my mouth.
What. The. Fuck. Was. I. Thinking.
In case you were wondering, hot sauce does not burn less in larger quantities.
My face turned the color of lava. Tears dripped from my eyes onto the table. The muscles in my esophagus shut down, and my throat closed.
I decided a good solution wood be to run around the kitchen wildly, screaming the song "empty chairs at empty tables" from Les Miserables as loud as possible.
I fell down.
It hurt.
When my head hit the ground, the weirdest thing happened. First I fainted. Not surprising. Then I entered a dreamlike state, in which I watched a rubber chicken with Jesus' head cut the head off of a goat. Jesus Chicken winked at me, and then said "I didn't really wink at you, I just have a twitch in my left eye."
Then I woke up and discovered my left eye had developed a twitch and my right eye didn't work anymore.
It was at this point that I really needed a hug.
Monday, December 3, 2012
How to be Awkward
I have recently been faced with various awkward situations, and am now compelled to write this list:
1. Don't repeat a sarcastic or funny comment because you think no one heard it. They heard it. It just wasn't funny.
2. When someone says "do you know the song ....." don't start singing the song
3. Don't sing along to a song that you're listening to with headphones
4. Dont say "oo-oo" when you see two people who are of the opposite gender talking (this especially goes for nick)
5. Don't, at all costs, say "so..." during an awkward silence. Or "awkward silence."
6. You know what? Don't say anything during an awkward silence
7. When you ask someone "have you read this book" or "have you seen this movie," and they say "no," do not go into a detailed description of the plot, characters, and your favorite quotes
8. Don't make jokes that you know no one will understand just to look smart
Towards the end, that turned into just stuff I hate. But that list comes later.
Also, this will most likely be updated several times.
UPDATE: hey, look, I'm already updating:
Don't try to understand an inside joke, or be part of it.
I can't believe I forgot to write this, it was the entire purpose of this list to teach Scott to not ask questions about Kiki and Damien. But then I got sidetracked....and whatnot....awkward.
UPDATE: the ending of the last update.
1. Don't repeat a sarcastic or funny comment because you think no one heard it. They heard it. It just wasn't funny.
2. When someone says "do you know the song ....." don't start singing the song
3. Don't sing along to a song that you're listening to with headphones
4. Dont say "oo-oo" when you see two people who are of the opposite gender talking (this especially goes for nick)
5. Don't, at all costs, say "so..." during an awkward silence. Or "awkward silence."
6. You know what? Don't say anything during an awkward silence
7. When you ask someone "have you read this book" or "have you seen this movie," and they say "no," do not go into a detailed description of the plot, characters, and your favorite quotes
8. Don't make jokes that you know no one will understand just to look smart
Towards the end, that turned into just stuff I hate. But that list comes later.
Also, this will most likely be updated several times.
UPDATE: hey, look, I'm already updating:
Don't try to understand an inside joke, or be part of it.
I can't believe I forgot to write this, it was the entire purpose of this list to teach Scott to not ask questions about Kiki and Damien. But then I got sidetracked....and whatnot....awkward.
UPDATE: the ending of the last update.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
This is what happens when you talk to me about Pilates.
So. Today, people I know were emailing me about creeks and such, and despite my attempts to make the topic more interesting by talking about deer licking houses, the conversation drifted to horrifying topics, like yoga and Pilates. Then someone said to someone else "love you too, bud." after they bonded through the revelation that both did Pilates. Or something. But, I was bored, and having just eaten a pound bag of candy, I responded with this:
-
Well I hate you
No I don't
(yes I do)
Shut up, no I don't
I didn't say anything
You think just because you're in parentheses you cant be seen?
No (yes)
I see what you did there
No you don't, it was in parentheses
Shut up. You're not even real.
There's no need to be hurtful
I can be hurtful to you, you're just a figment of my imagination
(bitch)
I can see that
(no you can't)
Yes I can
We're going back to a topic we already covered
Yes, we are. So?
So it's stupid and will just end in more hurtful words
Not if you restrain your mean side
You ARE my mean side
What are you implying?
You are a part of me
Seriously? How could you keep that from me?
I tried to tell you, but you said I was being hurtful
Wait, so that means you're just talking to yourself right now
Now I'm confused. If I'm talking to myself, how am I unconsciously responding?
Have you ever heard of multiple personality disorder?
Yes. But I don't have it. Maybe YOU have it.
That doesn't make any sense
None of this makes sense
Yes. You're right. You're just retarded
(bitch)
-
Monday, November 19, 2012
Google Translate is Fun
In Spanish class, our teacher taught us an amusing little song. It goes like this:
At first, we enjoyed innocently singing this horribly gay-sounding tune. Then, after a while, one of the smarter children in our class inquired to what this actually meant. As none of us have actually learned anything, having instead opted to learn through singing horribly gay-sounding tunes, no one could answer this question.
So, being small minded people with short attention spans, we abandoned that track entirely.
But then I got curious. I know almost no Spanish and did not intend to learn it, so I decided to use the international form of communicating with those fluent in another language: Google Translate. My curiosity was enhanced when the resulting words were very hard to understand. But I got the jist of it. Have you ever heard the expression: curiosity killed the cat? Guess what the song was about?
If you guessed "an old lady in the street kills a cat with the tip of her shoe," then you would be correct. There was also something to do with the number twenty four. Maybe she was on twenty-fourth street. Or has killed twenty four cats.
Here is the actual translation:
Street has been twenty four murder one travels kill a cat with the tip of a shoe poor poor poor old toe-cat
Anyway, as you can see, there is nothing about an old woman, but I know it involved one because that was the only elaboration my Spanish teacher would make when I showed her this disturbing translation of her little song.
UPDATE: It is definitely 24th street
En la ca-lle-le veinticuatro-tro
Ha habido-do asesinato-to.
Una vieja-ja mato un gato-to
Con la punta-ta de un zapato-to.
Pobre vieja-ja, pobre gato-to,
Pobre punta-ta del zapato-to.
Ha habido-do asesinato-to.
Una vieja-ja mato un gato-to
Con la punta-ta de un zapato-to.
Pobre vieja-ja, pobre gato-to,
Pobre punta-ta del zapato-to.
At first, we enjoyed innocently singing this horribly gay-sounding tune. Then, after a while, one of the smarter children in our class inquired to what this actually meant. As none of us have actually learned anything, having instead opted to learn through singing horribly gay-sounding tunes, no one could answer this question.
So, being small minded people with short attention spans, we abandoned that track entirely.
But then I got curious. I know almost no Spanish and did not intend to learn it, so I decided to use the international form of communicating with those fluent in another language: Google Translate. My curiosity was enhanced when the resulting words were very hard to understand. But I got the jist of it. Have you ever heard the expression: curiosity killed the cat? Guess what the song was about?
If you guessed "an old lady in the street kills a cat with the tip of her shoe," then you would be correct. There was also something to do with the number twenty four. Maybe she was on twenty-fourth street. Or has killed twenty four cats.
Here is the actual translation:
Street has been twenty four murder one travels kill a cat with the tip of a shoe poor poor poor old toe-cat
It leaves a lot to be explained.
Anyway, as you can see, there is nothing about an old woman, but I know it involved one because that was the only elaboration my Spanish teacher would make when I showed her this disturbing translation of her little song.
UPDATE: It is definitely 24th street
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Emails
From:
To:
Subject: Anyone want a slice of rainbow cake???
It's hard to see, but the frosting on top is light blue
Wow. I wasn't aware that you were fluent in old person. Me too. "live
To:
Subject: Anyone want a slice of rainbow cake???
It's hard to see, but the frosting on top is light blue
From: PRIVACY
To: PRIVACY
Subject: Re: Anyone want a slice of rainbow cake???
No thank you. I'm not sure that's edible.
From: MORE PRIVACY
To: MORE PRIVACY
Subject: Re: Re: Anyone want a slice of rainbow cake???
Live a little!
From: PRIIVAAACCCYYY
To: PRIIVAAACCCYYY
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Anyone want a slice of rainbow cake?
a little." what an inspiring quote. I will keep it in mind the next
time I am second guessing my decision to purchase glass tea lights or
up my bid on Ebay by ten cents instead of five. How crazy would that
be? It makes me all giddy just thinking about it. Well, bye. I have to
go check on the cabbage casserole and then maybe sit outside on a deck
chair, scratching my wrist and yelling at cars that go to fast for me.
It's a street, people, not a racetrack. Glad you understand. Sign me
up for bingo night.
time I am second guessing my decision to purchase glass tea lights or
up my bid on Ebay by ten cents instead of five. How crazy would that
be? It makes me all giddy just thinking about it. Well, bye. I have to
go check on the cabbage casserole and then maybe sit outside on a deck
chair, scratching my wrist and yelling at cars that go to fast for me.
It's a street, people, not a racetrack. Glad you understand. Sign me
up for bingo night.
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