The Worst Decision

Today, I made the worst decision of my life. I blame it mostly on my sickness, and an extreme sugar rush. I'll give you a hint about the story-it involves a rubber chicken, Jesus, and a headless goat. So pay attention.

I was at dinner, and upon the table was a bottle of Sriracha, an extremely hot sauce. I decided it would be a good idea to put a large glob on my finger and eat it. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I prepared a glass of milk.

The following experience was one of the most painful things I have experienced. My throat felt as though it was filled with a swarm of angry meerkats, and my head was buzzing strangely. I could feel my face glowing, and the tears welling up in my eyes.

Logically, I filled a spoon with more hot sauce, and stuck it in my mouth.

What. The. Fuck. Was. I. Thinking.

In case you were wondering, hot sauce does not burn less in larger quantities.

My face turned the color of lava. Tears dripped from my eyes onto the table. The muscles in my esophagus shut down, and my throat closed.

I decided a good solution wood be to run around the kitchen wildly, screaming the song "empty chairs at empty tables" from Les Miserables as loud as possible.

I fell down.

It hurt.

When my head hit the ground, the weirdest thing happened. First I fainted. Not surprising. Then I entered a dreamlike state, in which I watched a rubber chicken with Jesus' head cut the head off of a goat. Jesus Chicken winked at me, and then said "I didn't really wink at you, I just have a twitch in my left eye."

Then I woke up and discovered my left eye had developed a twitch and my right eye didn't work anymore.

It was at this point that I really needed a hug.

How to be Awkward

I have recently been faced with various awkward situations, and am now compelled to write this list:

1. Don't repeat a sarcastic or funny comment because you think no one heard it. They heard it. It just wasn't funny.

2. When someone says "do you know the song ....." don't start singing the song

3. Don't sing along to a song that you're listening to with headphones

4. Dont say "oo-oo" when you see two people who are of the opposite gender talking (this especially goes for nick)

5. Don't, at all costs, say "so..." during an awkward silence. Or "awkward silence."

6. You know what? Don't say anything during an awkward silence

7. When you ask someone "have you read this book" or "have you seen this movie," and they say "no," do not go into a detailed description of the plot, characters, and your favorite quotes

8. Don't make jokes that you know no one will understand just to look smart

Towards the end, that turned into just stuff I hate. But that list comes later.

Also, this will most likely be updated several times.

UPDATE: hey, look, I'm already updating:

Don't try to understand an inside joke, or be part of it.

I can't believe I forgot to write this, it was the entire purpose of this list to teach Scott to not ask questions about Kiki and Damien. But then I got sidetracked....and whatnot....awkward.


UPDATE:  the ending of the last update.

This is what happens when you talk to me about Pilates.

So. Today, people I know were emailing me about creeks and such, and despite my attempts to make the topic more interesting by talking about deer licking houses, the conversation drifted to horrifying topics, like yoga and Pilates. Then someone said to someone else "love you too, bud." after they bonded through the revelation that both did Pilates. Or something. But, I was bored, and having just eaten a pound bag of candy, I responded with this:

Well I hate you

No I don't

(yes I do)

Shut up, no I don't

I didn't say anything 

You think just because you're in parentheses you cant be seen?

No (yes)

I see what you did there

No you don't, it was in parentheses

Shut up. You're not even real.

There's no need to be hurtful

I can be hurtful to you, you're just a figment of my imagination

(bitch)

I can see that

(no you can't)

Yes I can

We're going back to a topic we already covered

Yes, we are. So?

So it's stupid and will just end in more hurtful words

Not if you restrain your mean side

You ARE my mean side

What are you implying?

You are a part of me

Seriously? How could you keep that from me?

I tried to tell you, but you said I was being hurtful

Wait, so that means you're just talking to yourself right now

Now I'm confused. If I'm talking to myself, how am I unconsciously responding?

Have you ever heard of multiple personality disorder?

Yes. But I don't have it. Maybe YOU have it.

That doesn't make any sense

None of this makes sense

Yes. You're right. You're just retarded

(bitch)

-

Google Translate is Fun

     In Spanish class, our teacher taught us an amusing little song. It goes like this:

En la ca-lle-le veinticuatro-tro 
Ha habido-do asesinato-to.
Una vieja-ja mato un gato-to 
Con la punta-ta de un zapato-to.
Pobre vieja-ja, pobre gato-to, 
Pobre punta-ta del zapato-to. 

At first, we enjoyed innocently singing this horribly gay-sounding tune. Then, after a while, one of the smarter children in our class inquired to what this actually meant. As none of us have actually learned anything, having instead opted to learn through singing horribly gay-sounding tunes, no one could answer this question.

So, being small minded people with short attention spans, we abandoned that track entirely.

But then I got curious. I know almost no Spanish and did not intend to learn it, so I decided to use the international form of communicating with those fluent in another language: Google Translate. My curiosity was enhanced when the resulting words were very hard to understand. But I got the jist of it. Have you ever heard the expression: curiosity killed the cat? Guess what the song was about?

If you guessed "an old lady in the street kills a cat with the tip of her shoe," then you would be correct. There was also something to do with the number twenty four. Maybe she was on twenty-fourth street. Or has killed twenty four cats.

Here is the actual translation:

Street has been twenty four murder one travels kill a cat with the tip of a shoe poor poor poor old toe-cat

It leaves a lot to be explained.

Anyway, as you can see, there is nothing about an old woman, but I know it involved one because that was the only elaboration my Spanish teacher would make when I showed her this disturbing translation of her little song.


UPDATE: It is definitely 24th street

Dear Sarah and Scott...

Thank you for being the only ones that read this blog

Emails

From:
To:
Subject: Anyone want a slice of rainbow cake???

It's hard to see, but the frosting on top is light blue

From: PRIVACY

To: PRIVACY

Subject: Re: Anyone want a slice of rainbow cake???

No thank you. I'm not sure that's edible.

From: MORE PRIVACY

To: MORE PRIVACY

Subject: Re: Re: Anyone want a slice of rainbow cake???

Live a little!

From: PRIIVAAACCCYYY

To: PRIIVAAACCCYYY 

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Anyone want a slice of rainbow cake?

Wow. I wasn't aware that you were fluent in old person. Me too. "live

a little." what an inspiring quote. I will keep it in mind the next
time I am second guessing my decision to purchase glass tea lights or
up my bid on Ebay by ten cents instead of five. How crazy would that
be? It makes me all giddy just thinking about it. Well, bye. I have to
go check on the cabbage casserole and then maybe sit outside on a deck
chair, scratching my wrist and yelling at cars that go to fast for me.
It's a street, people, not a racetrack. Glad you understand. Sign me
up for bingo night.

Glitch. True Story.

Im super bored so I turned on the tv and it was some chick-flicky

show. My tv was glitching or broken on something, so it was stuck on a

clip that kept on repeating. If it was hilariously funny or profound

and deep, I may have tolerated it as a background for my gaming, but

unfortunately, it was neither

The clip featured two girls standing in a line, one blonde and one

brunette. This is the intense dialogue for this fantastically written

scene:

"cute boots! New?"

"ish"

"oh"

Bzzzzz

"cute boots! New?

"ish"

"oh"

Bzzzzz

"cute boots! New?"

"ish"

"oh"

Bzzzzz

Because of these sentences, the longest of which is "cute boots!", I

have been granted an inside look into what Hell was like. I did not

enjoy it. Neither did the shoes that were thrown in an attempt to

silence it by force. Or the pillows. Or books. Or tv screen.

Eventually I had to break the monotony, and thus attempted to turn it

off. The remotes "off" button did not seem to be working, as it does

half the time. I walked over to the tv and hit the off button. The tv

did not turn off.

I decided to let it play on mute, but as the remote is a jackass today

and the tv itself has no mute button, this plan was not carried out.

I spent about ten minutes on the couch mouthing the words the people

were saying and memorizing their every move. After a while I decided

that I was going crazy and if I did not shut the tv up RIGHT THIS

FUCKING SECOND I WAS GOING TO BE STUCK LISTENING TO THE SOUND OF TWO

BITCHES "TALKING" ABOUT BOOTS IN MY HEAD FOR THE REST OF MY FUCKING

LIFE!!!!

I pulled the tv plug out of the wall.

The outlet burst into flames.

I ran to get the fire extinguisher and found a post it that said "note

to self-buy fire extinguisher." it had a date on it. I assume it was

dated so we could remember the times of our fire fighting heroics. It

was dated yesterday. The only person home yesterday was our Brazilian

housekeeper, Esmerelda. This explained why all the words were

misspelled. It did not explain what the fuck had happened to our fire

extinguisher.

I ran to get a bucket to fill with water, but when I tried to turn the

water on, remembered my father telling me in the wee hours of the

morning "the plumber is here to fix the pipes. The water won't work

all day. If theres a fire, use the extinguisher." He actually said

that. As a joke, but still. Unfortunately, there was no extinguisher.

Thanks a lot, Esmerelda.

I ran to the fridge, figuring I could use milk or something. In said

fridge, I spotted a bottle of water. It was in a fancy bottle, but I

had no time to mull over this. I ran to the outlet and poured the

"water" over it.

It exploded.

I noticed a sticker on the bottle reading "Russian Vodka"

At that point, of course, the power went out. Because I don't have

enough fucking problems.

Luckily, the generator kicked in, turning on the lights, and the tv.

And so the horrible sound loop came back